Remembering Mom: She Knew Her Tomato Plants

Back in the old days, we would buy a bag of pot and hope that no more than a fourth of it was stems and seeds. No matter what we tried, there were no good ways to consume the stems and seeds to get high. Just smoking the crap was more likely to give you a headache than a high. If a wayward seed made its way into a joint or a bowl of weed, it would pop like popcorn, except there were no kernels. The lit portions blown out by the seed popping were going to be holes in your shirts and cloth seats.

One of my final antics before leaving home was to use some of the seeds to start about twenty plants. I did it in the closet of my upstairs bedroom with a sun lamp my dad once used.

It wasn't an overly well-thought-out plan. Even cousin Guy caught me. I had to beg him to not tell on me.

Why I Gave Up Christmas Shopping

Christmas has always been a weird holiday for me. 

As a child, we celebrated Christmas on Christmas eve because my older sister's birthday is on the 25th. I always felt a bit bad for Maureen. People would give her one gift and tell her it was for both Christmas and her birthday. However, that was her problem. It only seemed weird to me.

The problem that I had with Christmas was that it seemed to be more stressful than happy for the adults. Also, the need to buy knickknacks for other people kept me from buying the slot car racetrack I wanted for myself. In return, I would get trinkets, toys, and clothes that cost everyone more than the racetrack that I wanted, if they had pooled their money. 

The Love of Doja

I heard a quotation that everyone believes that they have the best dog in the world, and none of them are wrong. 

I don't personally have a dog right now, but I do have five grandpuppies that I love for the love they give me. 

The oldest is Sophie. I went in halves on her with my ex-wife as a Christmas gift for Elliana in 2011. Sophie is a Yorkie mix who loves us all but would bark at us if we dared to hug HER Elliana! 

Though Sophie was Elliana's dog, she has lived her life with Elliana's grandmother. She is old now, and I rarely see her. I was teased when Laura and I bought her that I just paid half for my ex-wife's dog. That is essentially what happened.

The Family Finale

This was originally published on May 14, 2020.

* * * * *

One of the things that Dad was most proud of showing off to people was how quickly he could muster the family to gather. He has been dead now for nearly twenty-eight years, and so has the family unity that died with him. It didn't have to die, but it did.

I think the erosion of the family was mostly due to regret. I cannot get into the heads of people, but I can listen to what they say and observe what they do to figure out if they are being honest. If they say one thing, and then do another thing, they aren't being honest. It isn't rocket science; it's human behavior. Actions generally reveal more about people's motives than do words.

Remembering Dad: His Newsletter Obituary

December 1992 
Issue 237 

WAYNE C. KOECKE 
1932-1992

With much of his family and several friends at his side, Wayne Koecke died at his home on December 16th. His vigil for life, and battle against cancer, ended on a snowy evening in a room by a window that several of his grandkids had built a snowman just outside of in hopes of raising his spirits just one more time. Somehow, we think it did. 

Remembering Dad: Thirty Years Ago Tonight

This was originally written on December 16, 2022.

* * * * * 

It was a snowy Wednesday evening when Dad took his last breath thirty years ago tonight. Though it was the most significant loss I had suffered in my first thirty-four years, my initial feeling was relief. We had pulled off Dad's wishes despite it being a harrowing six weeks since he suffered the stroke that really was the lung cancer metastasizing in his brain. He wanted to die at home, and he did.

It was my night to stay with him and my brother's night off. Our godfather, Loren, and godbrother, Tim, also rotated staying with us. There is no way that we could have pulled it off without them, and neither of them ever complained about the help he needed. After all, he was their loved one, also. 

I Met a Man Named John (Newsletter published January 1999)

I have been going through boxes and stored items so that I can get rid of things that I've saved over the years that I will never need. One of the benefits of doing this is that I am also finding things that I've saved because I wanted to keep them, like old Newsletter publications in which I wrote articles about things other than industry topics and our company's services. 

Several of the articles had to do with my life as a single, custodial father of two daughters. This particular article got more positive comments when I wrote it than any other article I wrote for the Newsletter. With that introduction, here is "I Met a Man Named John," which is most likely slightly edited because I don't have to make it fit and also because I'm anal like that. 

(The thing that seems most funny in rewriting this article is that I am now about the age of the "elderly, well-dressed Black man." As I look back on things, I seem to have learned a lesson from my encounter with the man who had the riches that money cannot buy.)

Fuel Filter Fun

Kathy and Richard lived in many different places while Richard was in the military. Of course, that meant their children also moved around a lot.

Richard got stationed in North Carolina the year Tony turned eighteen. He decided to stay here in Washington rather than relocate back east with his family. Kathy and Richard gave him their 1987 Chevy Celebrity to help him with his independence, and he took a job in the family business to earn his own way.

Remembering Dad: Was it a Prank?

I don’t remember the date, but the year was 1980. I know that because it was election season, and Governor Ray was running for re-election, which made this the perfect time for someone to pull this prank.

We were in his office discussing some business when the phone rang. He answered it.

"I wouldn’t pay fifty dollars to spend the whole night with her," he said just before he slammed the phone down!

Run Tony! Run!

I love all my nieces and nephews, but I had the closest relationship with my nephew Tony. We would play basketball, go to baseball games, and hang out just to hang out.

Laura got a paper route to help subsidize her income after we split up. I would often deliver it on the nights that our children stayed with her. This was in the early 1990s, and motion sensor lights were uncommon. The first one I ever saw, in fact, was on a mobile home where the owner had a subscription to the paper on the route Laura delivered.

Remembering Dad: The Day May Got Him

Dad loved his family and his friends. He would go out of his way to help them on a moment’s notice. He also loved practical jokes and Sears, and May took advantage of all that this day.

May showed up at the office unexpectedly one day. She was always welcome, but this day she seemed to have a reason. She appeared agitated, so Dad invited her into his office to vent a bit.

"I’m so upset with Sears," she told him.

He assured her that Sears always makes good on any customer complaint, and always honors its warranties.

Remembering Dad: His Camera Collection

I remember the trips to Goodwill when I was a child. I always tried to sit in the center of the front bench seat when we would make the trip in his 1962 Pontiac Safari wagon. It had a type of stick shift that was known as three-on-the-tree, which meant that the three-speed transmission was shifted with a lever that came out of the steering column. I wanted that seat because Dad would let me shift the gears during the trip there and back. We would be going to Goodwill for two things: books and cameras. 

Dad bought thousands of non-fiction books over the years and built quite a library where he could slip away to read a twenty-nine-cent book about a WWII battle written by somebody who was there.

However, it wasn't the shelves and shelves of books in his library that would catch your eye. It was his display of the several hundred cameras he salvaged from the as-is bin of old cameras, most of which he paid less than a dollar for and still worked. He took great pride in his collection that he showed frequently to friends and family, especially if he wanted them to see cameras that he may have paid two or three dollars for since they last saw it.

A New Day Dawns

It is about ten minutes to two in the morning. I have had a bit over five hours of continuous sleep and feel rested now. 

I think the thing I like best about retirement is that I can sleep when I am tired. I am not a person who is devoted to routines. I think of my daily chores and desires as processes. I believe major projects should be broken down into minor tasks. If you accomplish a task or two toward completing the project, you've gotten closer to your objective without burning yourself out.

This is especially important for people who display a lot of empathy. Empaths are easy to take advantage of, and, because of their caring second nature, they have difficulty expressing their own feelings, if it is at the expense of hurting someone else's feelings.

I am Creating the Wayne Koecke Memorial Camera Collection

No one will ever know the truth about why Mom chose to hoard everything, which led to a huge mess to deal with when the time inevitably came to deal with things. I understood the sentimental value that Mom placed on Dad's camera collection, but I never understood why I was the only person in the family who placed a value higher than sentiment on the collection.

Dad's collection included two-to-three hundred cameras that he would pick up at Goodwill and other sources. It seemed to me that the best way to honor Dad was to loan or donate some of the best cameras to museums and to put some in displays where he was known. 

What happened was the collection remained in Dad's library room, where it collected a lot of dust. 

THE PUNCH!

Erin would never back down from a fight, which meant that she was suspended for fighting periodically throughout her school years. I would have to go to the school to get her, and I was able to talk the principal out of suspension a time or two because she was defending herself.

For a time in middle school, I suspected that she was getting suspended on purpose to get a few days off. I warned her that I would take swift action if I felt she was doing that. 

Solid Gold Sisters (Video)

Elliana always wanted to hang out with Gemma. 

She loves her little sister to this day, because love transcends life and death! 

We all still love Elliana, and Elliana still loves all of us!

Solid Gold Sisters

Video by Tom Koecke in memory of

Elliana Tapia (2005-2023)

Click this to check out other videos on my YouTube channel.

You Don't Know Me Better than I Know Myself

Whether you are a friend who has smoked pot and bullshitted with me for a couple of decades, or a cousin who has known me for sixty-five years but hung out with me about ten times over that span, you don't know me better than I know myself. Neither do my siblings and other relatives, my longtime friends, or even you know me better than I know myself.

I am nowhere near perfect, and I am aware of more flaws in myself than you are. However, I am always willing to listen to another person's opinion about a behavior of mine that bothers them. That does not mean that I will change that behavior for them. Sometimes, it is better for me to explain why I do that or did that, and, if they cannot accept my reasoning, move on from the relationship. Such is the case in the relationships with my friend and my cousin.

Remembering Mom: She Wanted to Live and Go Home the Last Time I Visited with Her

A memory came up in my Facebook feed today. It was the third anniversary of a post I made after visiting Mom for the last time. We did not know it was the last time at the time. My post was not about it being our last face-to-face visit. March 9, 2020 was also the date that more than 100 cases of COVID-19 were discovered at a nursing home in King County, which prompted an immediate halt to visiting patients in nursing homes and hospitals the next day. 

I don't recall if my older sister told me that Mom had been transferred to a nursing home the morning of the 9th or the day before, but it was the day Mom was transferred. I am thankful to this day for her keeping me advised about Mom and what was going on. I would not have liked visiting her in the hospital and finding an empty bed where I expected to see her. 

She also told me in that conversation that our sister who had "the plan" for Mom to live with her was probably going to have her move into a long-term care facility rather than accommodate her home for something as unpredictable as Mom was going to need accommodations for a wheelchair. 

Bugsy Says, "Hold My Milk Bowl"

I have lost two of my cat buddies in two of the past four years. Both Prancer and Mr. Grumpy died in 2019. I lost my cuddle-buddy grandkitten, Charlie Cakes, in January of last year. In August, I lost Jezebel, who was my best friend ever who was an animal. 

We are able to get new furry family members as we lose our pets, but they do not really replace our losses. For example, I got Kai Guy in 2020. He is nothing like Prancer or Mr. Grumpy. Kai has his own distinct personality. He likes to be brushed, but he does not like being held. His greatest sign of affection is when he will stand on my lap and let me brush him or pet him. He is gone the moment he is free from any coddling I try to give him. 

Late last year, a roommate had to rescue two of his adult cats from the home of a scorned ex. One of those cats is a seventeen-year-old guy named Bugsy. I call him Bugs Buddy. 

If Things are Different, What Changed?

After a nice twenty-minute visit with my nephew at the tattoo studio where he was working, we parted ways with a hug and the promise to get together more often. It seemed so sincere, and that is the way I took it. I meant what I said, and I believed he did, too. That is why it was quite a shock when he wrote to me over a family squabble contending, among other things, that I showed up that day just to start crap and cause problems. 

I wrote back to him that I had no idea that he felt our relationship was such that for years he had to pretend to be nice to me rather than feeling free to discuss problems or disagreements. I assured him that I would not bother him again, and that he was not to bother me again without first explaining why he wrote what he wrote.

All was well for a while, but then I was tagged in an invitation to his son's first birthday party. I tried to delete the tag so I could ignore it without responding, but he put the tag back on, which I took as a taunt. I responded with a reminder that we had agreed to stay out of each other's lives and inviting me without explaining why he said what he said violates that agreement. That resulted in me getting blasted in stereo, with his wife chiming in that she sees why her husband says the things he says about me.