I Want to be a Butterfly

Though butterflies are not as essential to sustaining life as are worms, flies, and bees, they represent transformation into something that is beautiful while fulfilling its ultimate purpose as it flutters and flits for the rest of its life. 

The transformation requires great effort on the part of the butterfly. It struggles so greatly to emerge from its chrysalis that its first few hours are spent recovering. 

During the time immediately following its emergence, it is little more than easy prey for things that will eat it up. Butterflies that survive the period of vulnerability provide beauty for those that see them, and the seeds for growth for the new life that blossoms just because the butterfly was once there. 

The Family Finale

This was originally published on May 14, 2020.

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One of the things that Dad was most proud of showing off to people was how quickly he could muster the family to gather. He has been dead now for nearly twenty-eight years, and so has the family unity that died with him. It didn't have to die, but it did.

I think the erosion of the family was mostly due to regret. I cannot get into the heads of people, but I can listen to what they say and observe what they do to figure out if they are being honest. If they say one thing, and then do another thing, they aren't being honest. It isn't rocket science; it's human behavior. Actions generally reveal more about people's motives than do words.

Pondering Death and Its Options

Intellectually, I know that I will eventually die. However, there is this little part of me that wonders if I might be that special someone who somehow defies death. If you will excuse the source if it bothers you, Woody Allen said it best: "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying." It is natural to feel that way because of our basic instinct for survival, but it is also intellectually dishonest to hold onto the thought for anything other than fantasy.

While we hold onto those thoughts in one part of our minds, another part of us wants to be adventurous and to live life to the fullest. James Dean's self-fulfilling quote, "Live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse," takes the idea to the opposite end of the spectrum of life and death from immortality. While most of us don't go anywhere near that far in our pursuit of adventure, we tend to tie the will to live to having a life worth living.

Remembering Elliana: Thinking About the Day She Died

As I try to reconcile my granddaughter's death on July 18th, the relationship to so many things come to mind as I think about the things we did and said on the day she died.

Her birthday and mine are exactly six months apart. She liked to ask me how old I would be when she turned a certain age. She would have turned eighteen years old ten days after she died. I will likely be sixty-five-and-a-half years old that day. 

Candace, Erin, and Elliana were all told as small children that I would be their best friend until they found best friends their ages. Candace and Erin found their best friends in elementary school. Elliana loved hanging out with me well into her teen years. She was my travel buddy, she was my biker babe, she was my best friend, and she was my equal-opposite.

My Diabetes Update, or "That's a Good Question; We Don't Know"

I received good news and bad news about my diabetes about three weeks ago. The good news is that I don't have diabetes. My blood sugar is actually in good shape after they put a stent into a bile duct that was blocked. I don't have diabetes at all. 

However, the bad news is that my bile duct was closed because of cancer. I met with the oncologists for the first time today. What I learned is that it is pancreatic cancer that has metastasized to my liver. Because it is that advanced, it is deemed to be stage four cancer. 

The questions the doctors asked were more about the quality of my life today, whether or not I am in severe pain, and to tell me there are two treatment options that often work to at least slow the growth and spreading of the cancer. In the best case, the treatment will stop the spreading, and the cancerous growth may shrink. However, they would expect that it will eventually come back even in the best-case scenario. 

Remembering Dad: Looking Back on the Night He Planned His Funeral

Dad was 58 years old when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was referred to an oncologist who told him that he had to quit smoking if he wanted an operation to remove the cancer, but that he should now get his final affairs in order regardless of his decision to quit smoking or not. Without the operation, his condition was terminal.

Mom immediately quit smoking cigarettes, and she enforced the non-smoking rule on Dad when she caught him smoking some old pipe tobacco that he had put on the shelves years before when smoking a pipe was his thing. Dad reluctantly cooperated, but he truly did quit smoking for the last two years of his life.

Yvonne Koecke (1935-2020): Third Eerie Premonition About Death Came True

Mom told me that she didn't fear death; she feared the mode of death. When she explained the difference, it didn't have anything to do with her cause of death. It had to do with the third of her three eerie premonitions that came true. I'll get back to that.

Mom was born on May 31st, 1935, in Leith, North Dakota. Her parents, Roy "Clair" and Dorothy Kamrath packed everything up that July and moved to Oregon with their oldest child. 

She told us tales about growing up in the logging camps, and various homes and farms, as her father moved the family seeking regular work during the Great Depression. The family would grow with Clarence, Bill, and Eileen added to the pack. Pa, as we used to call him, found regular employment with Oregon State College in Corvallis, and the family settled into its permanent home.

A Depressing Tale of Empathy

There was no particular significance to that Tuesday. I had no other plans for the day, so it fit into the schedule. I hadn't told anyone about my plans, but I didn't on those other occasions, either. It all worked out okay those times. I know that one of these times it won't, but I still think selecting how and when we die has its advantages.

That Tuesday I chose to take an overdose of sleeping pills washed down with some whiskey. This time felt different than all those other times, though. In fact, I could point to the differences. 

All those other visions of hanging myself, blowing my brains out, and jumping off bridges were just things that seem to go through my mind. I find it hard to believe that everyone hasn't at some point thought about suicide. If they do, and they rid themselves of the thought, then we do it the same way. A few people have claimed to never have thought about it, but even denying the thoughts requires some level of contemplation about it, or so it would seem. 

Like I said, I mostly just get rid of the thoughts. Often. Really often.

I'm Sorry Limbaugh is Sick; I Wish He Were Dead

I was saddened to read recently that Rush Limbaugh has lung cancer. I was hoping to read his obituary.

I caught some flak from friends for posting things like that on social media as the articles were shared. Some of my friends were concerned that me wishing death upon someone would bring me bad karma. First of all, if karma had any effect with regard to Rush Limbaugh, he would have drowned in locust puke by now. We all are going to die. Some deaths are just more beneficial to humanity than others, and I believe that Rush Limbaugh's death and consequential silence will be a good thing for humanity.

The Fishing Trip (A Final Version): Dedicated to Chas Henderson

My friend asks me if I’m ready to go, but I’m mixed about making the trip. 

Most people don’t even know I exist to care if I go, but those who know me are giving me mixed signals. I tell him that I am ready, but that I need a moment to make sure it’s really okay with everybody. “People tell me they are okay with me going fishing, but I suspect they really are not.”