If Things are Different, What Changed?

After a nice twenty-minute visit with my nephew at the tattoo studio where he was working, we parted ways with a hug and the promise to get together more often. It seemed so sincere, and that is the way I took it. I meant what I said, and I believed he did, too. That is why it was quite a shock when he wrote to me over a family squabble contending, among other things, that I showed up that day just to start crap and cause problems. 

I wrote back to him that I had no idea that he felt our relationship was such that for years he had to pretend to be nice to me rather than feeling free to discuss problems or disagreements. I assured him that I would not bother him again, and that he was not to bother me again without first explaining why he wrote what he wrote.

All was well for a while, but then I was tagged in an invitation to his son's first birthday party. I tried to delete the tag so I could ignore it without responding, but he put the tag back on, which I took as a taunt. I responded with a reminder that we had agreed to stay out of each other's lives and inviting me without explaining why he said what he said violates that agreement. That resulted in me getting blasted in stereo, with his wife chiming in that she sees why her husband says the things he says about me.

If they feel that way, why would they want to be around me? Also, if they feel that way, why would I want to be around them? We said our goodbyes again, and now, if they were honest, I should only be a person that they used to know. I saw my nephew one time after this. We did not speak. I appreciated that. I hope that he and his family do well and remain healthy, and that we are all able to move on without regret.

My cousin argued with me on my page about me defending players who knelt during the national anthem because they have the constitutional right to do so. He thought that my argument was disrespectful to his opinion that players should be required to stand because he stands, and I should want to be respectful like him. I disagreed with that conclusion. I told him that exercising one's right to tell other people that they should not exercise theirs does not seem respectful to me. He told me to have a good life and unfriended me. To me, that is the modern-day equivalency of slamming the phone to have the last word. 

I was surprised to see a friend request from him after several years of disregard for one another. Perhaps there was a reason for the request, but I could not find any change in how he talked and responded to people on his page. 

He never told me if things are different, and, if so, what changed?  

I was fine with the parting of ways if that was how he wanted to move forward. I would have preferred reasonable discussion. I would not have unfriended him because I already knew and accepted that he did not want to be like me. If he were like me, he would know that angrily unfriending me to "show me" how adamant he was about my lack of respect means that he owes me an explanation as to what changed to make things different. My posts are public for the most part. He can comment if he wishes to. The only thing that I see would be different by accepting his friend request is that he would be able to unfriend me to end a disagreement again.

Time doesn't heal wounds. Wounds turn into scars over time. Wounds that are not properly treated turn into the worst kind of scars - the scars that keep aggravating the original wound by reopening.  

Do relatives think that things we say and do simply go away with time? I try to deal with wounds that are inflicted upon me by recognizing that other people's opinions about me are neither my concern nor my business.

The occasion of my godmother's funeral earlier this week was going to be awkward. All of us in the family loved her, and I knew that many of us would show up. Except for one nephew, I have not seen my siblings or their children since Mom's funeral. That nephew was there seated with other members of the family.  

I took a seat away from them. I have no problem with their opinions about me. If I were them, I wouldn't want to be around someone who I thought so lowly of as they do me. If they were me, they wouldn't want to be around people who think so lowly of them. None of them have wanted to put our problems on the table to resolve them, just like they didn't want to discuss family problems when doing so would have been for Mom's benefit. We have nothing to say to each other. I wish them all well, but I don't want to spend any time that I have left with people just because we once knew each other. 

My nephew left his seat to give me a hug, but, if things are different, what changed? I declined the hug and watched him walk away disappointedly from his attempt to bring me back into the family. If he owes me an explanation, then I owe him an explanation. Whether he reads it or not is neither my concern nor my business.

The last time I saw and talked to my nephew prior to our unfortunate encounter was when I drove my MG Midget over to his house. I brought a peace offering and told him that I needed him to work with me on a plan to preserve some semblance of family unity moving forward. He accepted the peace offering, but he would not talk to me except to call me a leech and a thief and to tell me goodbye. I told him goodbye and drove off disappointedly.

I can accept his opinion about me, but I cannot accept his hug knowing what his opinion is about me. Also, if family unity wasn't worth talking about when it might have meant something, what would feigning family unity now resolve? We still have all the good memories, but we have grown apart in our interests and concerns. I write about my thoughts and concerns if there is interest in knowing how I am doing. I have not cut off communication with these relatives. They have cut off communication with me.

I am content that I treated my wounds properly. I forgive everyone in the family. I hope they also forgive me, but I don't care if they do or don't because that is not within my control, nor is it my business. However, I do care that when a boundary is set by the words of someone else, that they honor the boundary, or explain what changed if things are different and they want to take down the boundary that they set.