My Deal with Elliana

Elliana made a comment about wishing she had packed differently in case she went to inpatient treatment. I spent as much time as I could letting her know that I love that change in her attitude. As we talked more about it, she feels that she has nothing but clothes that are hers. She also said that she knows that when she completes treatment, she will just be handed around to anybody who will take her until she is old enough to dump on the streets.

That is some tremendous weight to carry. However, it is a weight that she carries because of her behavior.

How Elliana and I Got Where We Are Through OUR Bad Decisions

Most of her things had already been packed when she awoke yesterday. Unlike the days leading up to yesterday, we would be packing Elliana's everyday items on her final day with me. She had a place to go, but I felt there was little chance that it would work out for long. The last time she tried to be with her grandmother, it lasted four days and ended up with Elliana moving in with me as a last resort.

Bryan had been so much more than fair when he allowed me to take care of her despite there really being no room for her at home. 

My Baby is Out of Time

Even though my love for each of my children and grandchildren is equal, my devotion to Elliana over her seventeen years has exceeded what I have done for the others. We had an instant connection. When she got her shots as a baby, I got a call from her dad saying she wouldn't quit crying. He had checked her diaper and tried to give her a bottle. I told him I'd be right over. I took her and just held her. For a couple of hours, I just held her so that she would sleep peacefully while her dad and I talked about trying to sense her needs rather than trying to guess what is wrong. In this case, just holding her worked.

I was her favorite person in the world when she was a baby. People had already started gathering at her first birthday party by the time I arrived. Once Elliana saw me, she put her arms out to let me know that it was time to hold her. If someone else wanted to hold her after that, she would let them for a minute or two before letting me know that she wanted to be with me again. As I said, there was a connection between us that I never felt with anyone else. 

Giving Up My Favorite Prejudice Ever

Sometimes the most difficult thing about accepting truth is that it comes at the expense of some of our favorite prejudices. A prejudice I once held was that anything that was broken could be fixed. Though I still believe that broken things can be fixed, the truth is that some things that are broken are not worth fixing. I have written about my mom holding onto a broken coffee maker just in case someone in the family would rather fix a ten-year-old coffee machine than spend $20 for a new one. It became garbage on the day it quit working, and it was thrown away after mom held onto it for fifteen years.

The more we value something, the more broken it must be for us to get rid of it. The truth is that some things that are broken are not worth fixing. The coffee maker isn't worth fixing if it quits working. The line for a car or a house goes far beyond the line for the coffee maker, and the line for a house we own goes beyond the line for the car. All of them offer the greatest value assets can have for a coffee drinking, daily commuting homeowner, which is utility value. However, the coffee maker is more easily replaced than the car, which, in turn, is more easily replaced than the house.