Giving Up My Favorite Prejudice Ever

Sometimes the most difficult thing about accepting truth is that it comes at the expense of some of our favorite prejudices. A prejudice I once held was that anything that was broken could be fixed. Though I still believe that broken things can be fixed, the truth is that some things that are broken are not worth fixing. I have written about my mom holding onto a broken coffee maker just in case someone in the family would rather fix a ten-year-old coffee machine than spend $20 for a new one. It became garbage on the day it quit working, and it was thrown away after mom held onto it for fifteen years.

The more we value something, the more broken it must be for us to get rid of it. The truth is that some things that are broken are not worth fixing. The coffee maker isn't worth fixing if it quits working. The line for a car or a house goes far beyond the line for the coffee maker, and the line for a house we own goes beyond the line for the car. All of them offer the greatest value assets can have for a coffee drinking, daily commuting homeowner, which is utility value. However, the coffee maker is more easily replaced than the car, which, in turn, is more easily replaced than the house. 

Not only are there ascending costs that we are willing to accept depending on other values and the difficulty for replacement, but also fixing something that is broken on a home we own will raise its value more than fixing something that is broken on a car. Besides the value and as I said before, it is easier to replace a car than it is to replace a house. 

There is also the relative cost to fix these things to take into account. In most cases, a $5,000 repair on a house is a lower percentage of the value of the house than a $1,000 repair on a car. As for the coffee pot, even the $20 replacement has no value aside from its utility value. The broken coffee maker probably would not be picked up for free at a yard sale unless someone needed only the carafe from it. That gives it less than no value because it would cost time to find the person who would take it for free.

The most valuable things to me aren't things. The most valuable things to me are people, but not just people in general. People who I know are more important to me than people who I don't know. People who I both know and love are more important to me than people who I only know. The most important people to me are the people who I love unconditionally. That would be my family and friends, of course.

Within that group of people, there are those relationships that when broken are not worth fixing. Despite my unconditional love and good wishes for the person, there was just not enough of a relationship worth saving to begin with. 

I can think of a couple of people with whom it was easier to not try to fix a problem. One was a neighborhood kid who was a few years younger than me, and who suggested that I should go back to not understanding things like he doesn't understand things so that we could rekindle whatever friendship we supposedly had that I don't remember. 

Another was a friend who truly was grateful for the help I gave him through some tough times, but not grateful enough to help me through the tough times I was facing at the same time that he was accepting my generosity. I believed he was unable to help. Truly, he was unwilling to help. He was always friendly, but he did not share my interests in politics, current events, or philosophical discussions. I did not share his desire to talk about misogyny and recalling him conquering someone in a negotiation as a salesman and business owner. It pleased him when he was able to buy an asset for less than what someone needed to pay their rent because that meant that he won. He also stayed in touch with people who are literally former relatives of mine and some mutual friends who owed me money. 

There was no use in trying to fix those relationships. Neither of them would change who they were. The first person quit talking to me, and I quit talking to the second person. The first person told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore. The second person told me that he didn't want to talk to me about things I am interested in, and that divulging information about people who owed me money would be violating the trust they placed in him. So be it. Both relationships were the result of us being in the same proximity and not because we shared common interests or the fondness for memories that I didn't recall with one person and didn't share with the other person.

I put much more effort into preserving relationships with family members before giving up on the ones that are not worth fixing. However, even those relationships have breaking points after which there seems to be no point in fixing them. I still love them all, but I don't want to concede to their beliefs in order to retain the relationship we would be preserving. 

Other relationships have problems that are not mine to fix. Some of those aren't worth fixing to me even if they now extend an olive branch. Some of those relationships would be worth fixing to me if we could discuss the problems. I love them all, but I value the preservation of the relationships differently with different people and for reasons that I don't need to justify to anyone. 

The relationships with the most value to me, and worth the most effort to fix any problems that can possibly exist, are those with my children and grandchildren. None of them could have a problem that would not be worth any amount of effort, time, or money to fix. 

I am now coming to terms with the truth that my sentiment was just one of my favorite prejudices. The truth is that there is no amount of time, effort, and money that can help someone fix a problem they won't admit they have or take the steps necessary to fix. 

My oldest granddaughter is not a normal seventeen-year-old. She is typical in that she has answers to everything whether she understands something or not. However, she is not typical in that life has never given her a break. Even when she does not cause her own problems, there always seems to be problems that crop up that set her back in her development and attitude. I think she has given up on life. 

She is obese but will not stick to a diet. Instead, her behavior can sometimes be adjusted with the promise of food as a reward. However, her weight is not the problem that she most needs to fix. 

She has been using fentanyl and has overdosed on it a couple of times in the past month. She was found and revived all those times. The last time was at my home where my friend allowed her to stay temporarily because she had no other options. She had no other options because she refuses to follow rules and gets herself in trouble to the point that she gets kicked out of places. My friend reached his limit after the overdose and told her that she needed to get out. That meant I needed to find a way to help her quickly.

My friend is not only right to evict her for the huge scene caused by her overdosing, but he is also correct when he points out to me that there is no amount of time, effort, and money that can help her fix her problem if she will not take the steps necessary to fix the problem. He tells me that I am not helping her with her problem; I am enabling her.

Sometimes I hate the fucking truth. 

I happened to love my prejudice that no problem could exist with my granddaughter that I wouldn't use all my time, effort, and money to resolve. In fact, it was my favorite prejudice ever.

The best resolution to her problem would be long-term inpatient treatment at a facility that would help her with her addiction and weight problem, while also helping her finish high school. We found one that would likely take her in, but it would take at least two weeks and possibly two months for her to get in. That time frame might be manageable if she were to seek outpatient treatment while getting things done for the inpatient treatment. 

When she said she would not go to inpatient treatment, I adjusted that variable and came up with a proposal to help her and only require outpatient treatment. She made one effort to meet that condition, but she wanted me to remove that condition because she didn't see any reason for it. I explained the reason to do it would be to change her pattern of making bad decisions into making a good decision that will start a pattern of good decisions. I explained the behavior of getting up and attending a productive and educational meeting would become a new pattern that can become discipline for resolving her other problems that will require her time and effort to resolve.

She said that she doesn't like that plan. She thinks the best solution is for everyone to pitch in and rent her a room without any conditions for her to seek help or change her pattern of self-destructive behavior. I told her that it would be up to her to find the room and let us know what it would cost. However, the only option she has to that is to find a homeless shelter that will take her without conditions or rules, and those don't exist either. She craves popularity and acceptance so much that she will end up huddled on the streets with people whose intentions are to take advantage of her for the short time until she overdoses and isn't revived. 

I am taking her on what I hope is not a farewell tour, but my hope that it isn't a farewell tour seems to be fading day by day. She will be visiting her father for several hours this afternoon and evening. They will cook dinner together and then watch a movie or something. He loves her, too, and has the experience with opioid addiction that I don't have. He is trying so hard to abide by the terms of his work release from a sentence that resulted from his addiction, and I hope that he can convince her to get the help we all know that she needs. If she can't be convinced in the next couple of days, she must move on even without a plan. He cannot offer her anything without the condition that she break her habit. Her behavior will violate the conditions of his release, and the option of living with him would go away as he would be sent back to prison. 

There could never be a line drawn that she could cross with a problem that I would not devote my time, effort, and money to help her resolve. 

It was a favorite prejudice while it lasted. The truth, as my friend told me, is that no amount of time, effort, or money will help an addict with a problem that they won't admit they have and seek treatment to resolve. 

My love for her is unconditional and undying. However, the effort and money I have devoted over the time has not resulted in a better life for anyone. The time has come to an end because she will not agree to the condition that she seek outpatient treatment immediately that can be evaluated for how it is going when an inpatient treatment option is available. My suggestion has been to leave options on the table but for her to begin getting the help she needs immediately.

I fear that she will die soon without help. I suspect part of her behavior includes a death wish, but it is far more the result of her seeking popularity with people who only feign liking her for what they can get out of her. 

If she can find a room to rent, I will help her get into it provided I am not obligated for anything beyond getting her into it. It is a better option to me than sending her off with some friends and some money knowing that her plan to live with them has no chance for success. It might be better to send her off without money. I want her to eat, but the money would not be used for food. It's more likely that her friends will steal her money and abandon her because that has happened to her before. If they take her when she is penniless, at least they aren't doing it to steal her money.

I can only try to persuade her into dealing with her situation differently. We cannot force intervention. She knows that it is her decision to get help or not. Everyone else has told her that they cannot deal with her behavior. It is now clear that I also cannot deal with her behavior. She has violated every condition that my friend put on her to stay here. The recent overdose was just the latest of the problems she was causing with her behavior. She will only accept my time, effort, and money if it comes with no conditions that she seeks help or changes her behavior. That isn't a condition I can agree with.

My granddaughter loves me so much that she would do anything I need her to do to preserve our relationship.

It was a favorite prejudice while it lasted. The truth, as my friend told me, is that addicts lie and steal to get instant gratification, and that I am truly enabling her behavior by not drawing a line that she seeks treatment for her addiction at the cost of losing my help. He knows the truth. He's been there and has resolved his addiction problem. He also knows how addicts behave because he works at a program that helps homeless addicts with shelter while they seek treatment. 

Sometimes I hate the fucking truth.

I love her unconditionally, and my love for her will never die. However, she has negotiated her obligation to seek help into getting into a room without any condition for her to seek help. If she goes through with leaving without getting help, my best hope will be for her to find the peace in death that she could never find in life. 

I wonder how long it will be that I cry when I think about her. My guess is that it will be for the rest of my life.

May the unlikely miracle come through for me. It is not too late. It is only too late for her to not get help and for me to not recognize the truth my friend told me. Continuing to devote my energy and resources is only enabling her pattern of making bad decisions to seek popularity and acceptance from people who are not really her friends. 

I will now come to terms with accepting the truth that no amount of time, money, or effort will help an addict who will not admit they have a problem and take steps to resolve it. Accepting the truth about this is coming at the expense of my favorite prejudice ever. 

Sometimes I hate the fucking truth.