My Baby is Out of Time

Even though my love for each of my children and grandchildren is equal, my devotion to Elliana over her seventeen years has exceeded what I have done for the others. We had an instant connection. When she got her shots as a baby, I got a call from her dad saying she wouldn't quit crying. He had checked her diaper and tried to give her a bottle. I told him I'd be right over. I took her and just held her. For a couple of hours, I just held her so that she would sleep peacefully while her dad and I talked about trying to sense her needs rather than trying to guess what is wrong. In this case, just holding her worked.

I was her favorite person in the world when she was a baby. People had already started gathering at her first birthday party by the time I arrived. Once Elliana saw me, she put her arms out to let me know that it was time to hold her. If someone else wanted to hold her after that, she would let them for a minute or two before letting me know that she wanted to be with me again. As I said, there was a connection between us that I never felt with anyone else. 

My daughters both wanted me to hold them when they were babies, too, but the bond with Elliana was different. Elliana was my biker babe. She was my travel buddy. She helped me wash the vans at work. We laughed as we jumped into mud puddles together. We held hands everywhere we went. She would point at a building as we were driving and ask what if it was our house. Those memories are from so many years ago.

She wanted to do other things as she got older, as all children do. She had some good friends from school. I don't know everything that happened along the way. I know that one moved away. I also know that she has been seeking popularity rather than keeping good friends. The decisions she has made along the way have only led to more problems. Old problems never seem to be resolved before the next new problem is upon her.

At this point, her best option is to agree to inpatient treatment because she has no place to go, and she can't stay here any longer. The day is upon us. Honestly, if we cannot force her to get treatment, the next best alternative is for her to go to jail. I wish I could force rehab on her, but there is no treatment for an addict who does not admit that they have a problem and who will not take steps to resolve the situation.

It is time for the day to start. It is a day I hoped would never arrive, but that isn't how time works. God, I wish she understood how time works.