Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It was the first one that I remember that I did what I wanted to do, which was to stay home, do some daily living, and watch football. I talked to both of my daughters on the phone to wish them happiness for the day, but I didn't go to the family function they both try to attend. Instead, I did what I wanted to do. It is part of what I must do to deal with my own healing, and it will be my new tradition for holidays.
My mental anguish is the result of my two biggest problems. My biggest problem is that I care too much about some things. My second biggest problem is that I don't care enough about other things. As has always been the case, the pain is in searching one's soul so that the decisions we make result in behaviors that correct the problems of our pasts. Sometimes the most difficult part of dealing with problems is accepting the truth that we are making decisions that allow the problems to exist.
I accept the truth that there is no amount of time, effort, or money that can be spent to help people who will not make decisions to help themselves. Each person is responsible for their own decisions and is due the consequences of their decisions. If I spend my time, effort, and money helping a person who will not change their behavior by making good decisions, then I cannot spend that time, effort, and money being content with what I have and trying to influence young people to make good decisions.
An epiphany I had years ago was that helping people and helping persons are not the same thing. It is a good thing to help a person who is in need, but it is better to help people who are trying to improve their lives to do so.
Nothing of that sort would have taken place if I attended the family dinner that my children generally attend. I would only have sacrificed my contentment to feast with people who were my in-laws thirty years ago. Instead, a roommate who enjoys feasts made a terrific meal at home. A friend who came over to watch football and eat with us brought pumpkin pie. The day was leisurely and enjoyable, and everyone was thankful for the food and the peace.
I look at this Thanksgiving as a successful step in dealing with my two biggest problems. I cared less about making an appearance where no problem will be resolved. Though I didn't see my children, I still acknowledged the day and in personal conversations I wished them happiness. I also cared more about my own contentment by doing some chores around here that need to be done regularly, and I was rewarded with three good football games and a feast complete with dessert.
I still wish I had a magic wand I could wave to rid myself of the limitations I have to change the behavior of others, but there is no magic wand. The only person whose behavior I am capable of changing through my will and effort is my own. Life's lessons can be cruel, but the lessons are ignored at the cost of learning them later at an even greater cost. I cannot do everything for anyone except for myself, and I will not be able to do anything for myself if I don't take care of myself.
What I can do is see my children whenever possible and talk to them more often than that. If they know that I love them, and they are not expecting me to show up to bring things, then doing what I want to do for my own contentment comes at no cost to them. It is as important for me to accept that everyone suffers consequences for their decisions as it is for me to make decisions to behave as the person I want to become would behave. I want to behave as a caring father and grandfather to show them that I am a caring father and grandfather, but I can do that and still do what I want to do regarding holiday celebrations. After all, seeking contentment is an oxymoron, not an objective.
The truth is that if I want to be content with what I have like the Cratchit family, then I must make changes opposite of the changes that Ebenezer Scrooge had to make to find his peace. Scrooge needed to care more about what he could do to ease the suffering of others in order to gain his peace of mind. I must accept that when I care too much about solving problems that are outside my control to solve, it comes at the expense of my own peace of mind. It is also my fault, and my fault alone, that I do it.
The best way to describe the negative human cycle is "that didn't work; I will do that again." The way to break the negative human cycle is "that didn't work; I won't do that the same way again if I do it at all." However, it is important that I not only break my negative cycle, but that I also begin the positive cycle of being content doing what I want to do, and also being content not doing what I don't want to do.
The positive cycle that I need to start for myself would be described as "I love you unconditionally. I am doing what I want to do. If our paths cross, great; if not, then I wish happiness upon you until our paths do cross. May we all be content with our decisions."
